SPOTLIGHT: May All Our Pain Be Champagne by Alex Carrigan

Candiace Dillard Bassett If You Play Her CD Backwards

Good morning, saints.
Now, let’s unpack this.

EAUXMAHGAAWDDDDD!

“You’re an artist. Sing!”
Lol. You’re a heaux
but we don’t ask you to—
Nevermind.
Go awf.

You’re whack.
Your mother dropped you.
Get out before you get sprayed.
The earth deserves smarter inhabitants.

Money does not make life easier.
In fact, the old African proverb says,
“mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

Scammers come in all shapes and sizes!
They’ll smile and kiki with you
all the while they’re scamming
right under your nose.
Keep your circles small.
You heard it here first.

I’m literally hissing laughing.
Some of my best commentary!

Empathy isn’t rich or poor.
It’s human.
Miss Universe’s job is
to lead with empathy and compassion.

A bish just can’t win.
Can’t wipe tears and
can’t let them dry on our faces either.
Do know I’m going to cry the whole time.
I’m gonna start crying just to make y’all mad.

I wish I could throw all of my favorite supporters a party.
Because y’all be holding it down.
At this point,
I’m going to start doing interviews
for an assistant on Twitter.
I wouldn’t survive this foolish app
without you all.

Maybe next #BravoCon.

Source: @TherealCANDIACE

Gizelle Bryant Restarting the First Page

of Her Memoir for the 78^th Time

Hello and Good Mor-ting!
As you know, I am so not about drama.
Let me help you stay drama free this season
as an Anti-Drama Expert.

Get ready.
Take notes!
So you don’t forget your point.

Mother-in-laws know that the reign over
their son’s life is coming to an end,
so they royally ACT UP.
You gotta ride the wave,
be extra nice when they are mean-
that sends them in a tailspin. Ha!

Let me tell you, teens can sometimes be THE WORST!
When they are I just kill them with kisses
(and they hate it)
but it makes them stop being moody
over whatever their teenage drama is for the day.

But that’s not fun, now is it?!
It’s time to prank Wendy!
Here come the snakes and spiders.
The critters were everything!
Wendy has now been initiated.

Ashley & Dean are connected at the hip.
Set a meet up and lie to both of them
so that they don’t know the other is coming.
Have shots ready at the table!
Hate seeing Ashley still struggle.
Postpartum is real.

Love Robyn’s mom getting the tea on IG.
Wow now this is DRAMA!
It goes down in the DMs!
She never fails to spill ALL TEA!

Candypants got a whole bop and a record deal!
Is Candiace moo-ing?
Are they singing or just making pies?
Had to add some fun shade!

I tell no lies!
Messy but good on the inside!
100 Episodes?!? Wow!! What a wild ride!
Much love and appreciation to ALL of you who love the show!
May all our pain be champagne!

Source: @GizelleBryant

Brandi Glanville Smashing a Swear Jar

with a Sobriety Chip

I’m so fucking about to get un-sober.
I’m definitely drunk and I want to rant.
I’m a wine bitch,
but I do love Casa Migos Blanco.
Feeling star fucker vibes.

I have a new phone and I hate it.
I can’t turn it off,
I don’t know how to take a picture,
and there’s no home button.

I have Spectrum Mobile service
and all of my calls have been dropping
or failing all day.
I’m super frustrated.

I honestly don’t understand how to use Twitter anymore.
I don’t exactly know how to do it.
WHAT THE FUCK with the internet?
Oh my God, I’m so fucking over it.
I want to have more engagement with people
but people are so fucking mean to me.

You people are the reason
I want to quit social media.
Honestly, who attacks someone’s looks?
I’m 48, I’ve aged and gained 20 lbs since COVID.
You cunts are why people hurt themselves.
Don’t you think if I’d had plastic surgery
on my face I would look better????
Please stop.
Please do better as humans.

I just care about animals.
Especially pussy cats.
If you just want something to make you
laugh and smile in the morning,
watch The Pet Collective.
I don’t even know what channel it’s on,
I turned my TV on and it’s just on.
These pets are so authentic and naturally cute, I love it.
It’s honestly so good.

Let’s just party,
you are my muse.
You’re very fucking kind.
You are everything, bitch.
#KindOf.

Source: @BrandiGlanville

Ashley Darby Counting Her Blessings

While She Counts Ceiling Tiles

Botox has many uses apparently.
Botox for the booty!
It’s so real. Quite overwhelming at times.
I am just so thankful that I have access to these resources.
All women should!

I’m very happy with who I chose to marry.
Ageism will never define me.
Long after these cameras stop rolling,
we still have a bond and a family.
This just helps us keep our priorities straight.

I’ve never in my life thought to attack a mother for her choices.
The things a crass woman says…
Triggered trash remember:
you can pay for school,
but you can’t buy class.

I’ve never claimed to be squeaky clean,
but I’ve also never pleaded the fifth when called out.
I’m grown and held my own no matter what.
I’ve had my share of disagreements and
damn if I didn’t apologize when I was wrong,
even with others don’t reciprocate.

I used my prior experience to try
to make sense of a situation.
That’s called an educated deduction.
This is a go-go-gadget reach.

I missed live tweeting because my children
both had nighttime meltdowns at the same dang time!
And I can tell you that the only thing
messier than two boys
is trying to get a good night’s sleep
with two boys!

Murphy, come get your law.
I’ll be back.

Source: @_AshleyDarby

Dorinda Medley is Feeling Well, Bitch

How’s everyone’s #2022 going?
Don’t know why, but I’m feeling so positive today!
What is going on?!
She’s startin’.

The new year means lots of people are
starting their weight loss journeys,
and I hope my experience can help you succeed.
Pre-COVID Body coming back with vengeance!
Skim-ming it down!
I have an 11-pound secret.

Stay focused on what you want in life.
The cake of life has many ingredients,
some sweet, some salty, some dry, some lush,
but in the end I am very proud of the cake I call my life.

For National Cheese Day,
I made the Blue Stone Manor lasagna.
Look who stopped by the Manor.
Dad’s coming over! Hooray!!!
Let Dracula’s dinner begin.
Are you ready?
Hope he likes lasagna!

Remember, martinis are like nipples:
two are great, three are too many!
The wise words by Maya Angelou and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Still rings true, don’t you think?

Today, Dr. Richard Medley would be 70 years young.
I told him not to have more than two martinis.
An amazing life and a legend.
Rest in Power.

OH NO, NOT AGAIN!!!
COVID Tuesday!
IT JUST DOESN’T GET BETTER!
WE MADE IT NICE!

HELL YEAH!
Jello, Gelatin, Puddings!
Omg delicious.
No, it’s not a gingerbread cookie,
but it so good for you!

Okay, please don’t judge!
We often forget about the journey
that brings us to today
and to be able to retrace my steps
brought up all kinds of emotions.

Thank you @simonandschuster
for being by my side through this journey.

Source: @DorindaMedley