Chapter One–Carolyn starts at AD&D
Carolyn drove the interstate toward her new job, and the wide black strip rumbling by under her, asked, if she should taper down a whole or half milligram of her Ativan this week. She knew the doctor had said taper a milligram a week but after all, this was the first day of a new job; what could her nerves stand? Fragile, he had said she was—but not too fragile to go back to work after the last episode. She had ended up quitting that place just short of being fired. And then she had hit a real low, she and Ricky both; she lived with her brother Ricky and he had a life and it was a much better life than hers but she thought she better get another job before all the money ran out because smart as Ricky was, he didn’t pull in much. And, as she drove, she noticed as usual her nerves settled down when she thought of Ricky; she could always count on Ricky. He got her through the black days. The sign ahead said Robinson way—exit nine, one mile. Robinson way, what was there, what was there—AD&D was there; her new company. Towers rose in the distance, black glass towers and grey and white. She shook the sheet out she held in her right hand; AD&D; two ninety Robinson way. She slowed for the ramp, hit a bump, thought of the Ativan; neat hedges swept by and the sun and bright spring day came around her and the Ativan went away. Rows of neatly fresh planted flowers flowed by; lovely little strategically placed shrubs came past. The car ran smoothly and silently; it brought her around onto Robinson, lined on either side by tower after tower of all colors and heights. A corporate world; rows and ranks of great square buildings rose from neat trimmed lawns like great tombstones seen from space. Signs out front held big numbers. Three twenty; three ten; two ninety; then at last, a black sign in the distance with gold letters; AD&D. She slowed and it came up on the right.
It’s big, she thought.
Damned tall, damned big. And I am going to be in there. If only Ricky could see this. What a place. EMPLOYEE ENTRANCE stated a small white sign, and in she turned, hit a bump, multicolored rows of cars tall long and short swept by on either side, and she found a spot. As she pulled in she thought again of the Ativan. As she turned the car off, she felt in her breast pocket for the pill case with the Ativan, but Ricky came and said no, don’t take it; taper one milligram this week; doctor’s orders, after all. Smiling, she pulled the key from the ignition and pulled over her purse and as the car door opened she thought yes, yes—she sat back down and took out the pill case and thrust it into the glove compartment, obeying Ricky and the doctor. Out of the car she got, and as she pressed the lock button on her key fob, the massive bulk of AD&D loomed above her, partially blocking the sun; its rays shone scattering, reaching; she had to move quickly—she knew she was on time, exactly on time. But she had to get across the lot to the building before the sun fully emerged from behind the tower. The sun would take her; what a thought—walk faster so the sun won’t take you and she walked faster past the butt ends of the cars on both sides of the parking lot lane, and she spotted the main entrance’s bank of golden revolving doors and thought; something towering so huge above, God knew how many stories high, is about to swallow me; something towering so huge is about to swallow me; I will have beat the sun, got here on time, obeyed the Doctor, but to what end? Hollow formed in her gut, and up from it came the knowledge that if Ricky were here he would be proud of the way she unhesitatingly pushed through the revolving doors and the building’s tallness disappearing behind her, now that she was inside into the false light of the interior; she stepped into the great space of the atrium. It came around her and the marble walls and stone floor moved under her and how high the ceiling was! She didn’t want to know, and the lights; up there hung bright crystalline lights of some kind, far above. She didn’t look up. She looked forward toward the wide brown reception desk behind which stood three white clad black hatted security guards; one tall, staring right at her, coming; one turned to the side potbellied and leaning, and another writing slowly in a bluelined book on the desktop. The two not looking at her no doubt felt safe knowing the tall one had his eye on her coming at them, watching out for any sudden or dangerous moves on her part. His eyes saw a yellow-haired woman in a long brown coat coming at him, with a bag; he has not seen her before; she could have guns, knives; suicide bombs; she could be a maniac, a terrorist—they can look any way these days. His hackles rose; the guards were the guardians of the place, of the gate. Carolyn came up and shook back her hair and put her hands on the edge of the counter and spoke clearly onto the sallow face of the guard whose pin eyes had locked hers all the way across the atrium. His lip set as she spoke and as she spoke, he calmed back to relaxed.
This is my first day on the job. My name is Carolyn Sanders. I need to see—
She paused, shook out the paper she held in her hand, looked at it, and continued.
I need to see an Ilene Davidson. She’s in room two thirty-seven. She’s my new boss.
Let me see that, said the guard in a surprisingly small voice, reaching for the paper; deep hollows formed in his cheeks as he spoke. Does that have Ms. Davidson’s extension?
Yes, she said, handing it over.
He looked at it sternly a few Moments, then said wait. I will call Ms. Davidson. She will come down and sign you in.
He put the phone to his ear and his spidery vein covered hand punched the phone buttons. As he softly spoke into the phone with his back to her the atrium began shrinking around her, closing in closer; she wished to get past this place quickly. She imagined the walls warm, hot, scalding, pressing in, on her, but she held the desk edge as he turned back around and hung up the phone and oddly his face had turned beet red during the call. The Ativan; was it lack of the Ativan? But his face flamed at her and her thought sunk away below the granite underfoot and the walls were forgotten in the stench of his hot words coming, saying; Ms. Davidson will be right down; and he smiled a gap-toothed smile. She thought of the Ativan again, but this was a different feeling from what she had been through the last several weeks; this was the feeling of everything new; new job, new people, new place, new desk, new god knew what else, but all new. At once, she felt lifted, glad to be here. Safe now, she let go the desk edge. Stepping back, she clutched her brown leather bag and for the first time saw past the guards to the marble far wall standing thrust up in heavy brown and purple stony veins, up to a great gold AD&D logo forbiddingly high above, way above the wide bank of stainless steel elevator doors behind the guard desk. And she watched, and watched, until at last one door slid aside and a tall dark-haired slender black-clad woman came out smiling, caught Carolyn’s eyes into hers, came at her around the desk, and extended a gleaming white red-nailed hand.
Carolyn? said the woman. You’re Carolyn Sanders, right? I am Ilene Davidson. Great to meet you—you’re my new contract typist?
Yes, answered Carolyn, in a daze, supposing so.
Great!
Ilene tilted her head and smiled and took Carolyn’s hand and shook it and it felt somehow sweaty and greasy between their hands but Ilene did not cease to smile, no matter how gross it felt, to Carolyn. Ilene let go the hand and said here—we need to sign you in. These fine gentlemen will issue you a badge in two or three days. The book please, gentlemen? she said, with a snap in her voice.
The potbellied triple chinned guard pushed to her the book, and she wrote quickly in the sign in book. Then they gave Carolyn a VISITOR sticker to paste to her shirt and Ilene said, Well! Come on, follow me. We’ve a lot to talk about.
Ilene led the way to the elevators and pushed the button and the button lit up. One, two, three, four, five, six elevators thrust up through this massive building, counted Carolyn. Ilene turned to her as they waited and said I got your resume last week. You interviewed with Clark Mathison at the job fair?
Mathison, Clark Mathison; Carolyn knew she had interviewed with someone at the college job fair and the banners and signs and tables and hustle and bustle of that day came around her but the elevator door stayed there closed closed making them wait and she spoke to Ilene.
Yes—I don’t really remember the name, but that’s probably right.
How many interviews did you have?
The tables, banners, signs and bright lights; the college auditorium; the elevator door.
Two—and after the first they came out and told me to come back to one of the other tables at one o’clock for the second interview.
And after that they offered you the job on the spot—
The elevator door slid open, blue inside; all blue lit inside and clean—and as they stepped in Carolyn said Yes, they did. She went to the back of the elevator and hung onto the grab bar wound around the little blue lined steel box they stood in. The doors closed and Ilene pushed button twenty-three, which lit, and she leaned there.
That’s something, she said, as Carolyn’s stomach said the elevator was going up. They don’t usually offer people jobs on the spot.
I guess I am qualified, said Carolyn.
I guess so, oozed Ilene.
The elevator thrust up through the bowels of the great building, past unseen floors teeming with people and as the green number above the door rose and rose one by one one two three and so forth, Ilene said with a smirk, I hope we got an express to twenty-three. The six great elevator shafts pierced the building higher, higher, and the number twenty-three appeared in green above the door and in Moments the doors opened. The cubicles’ grays and blues and the white spread of the ceiling with its rectangles of hidden neons flooded in all over Carolyn and Ilene, and people in business clothes smelling of cologne and perfume swept by in both directions carrying papers, and Ilene led Carolyn through the colors and movement and smells under the white ceiling. They went in a windowless room with a desk and a bookcase, and Ilene shut the door and all else was gone; Ilene said sit, sit—make yourself comfortable, as she swept around the desk and sat in a high-backed leather chair. She leaned forward and clasped her hands tight before her, atop a single sheet of paper lying there, and she was thin; Carolyn had not noticed it before but Ilene was nearly unnaturally thin and the seat pressed up under Carolyn; her words pressed out to Ilene.
Nice office, said Carolyn.
Thanks, said Ilene—so tell me about yourself, Carolyn—is there anything you want to tell me or ask me before I show you to your office and take you around to meet your team?
Ilene’s parted lips and tilted head wanted an answer so an answer came.
I live with my brother Ricky. He helped me get this job.
Really? Ricky? How did he help you?
He told me to go to the job fair. He saw it in the paper.
Well—it was lucky for AD&D that you went to that job fair. You’ll do great here.
I hope so. I—Ricky was very happy when I got the job.
That’s good. We’re happy too. Now—you know you’ll be writing contracts?
Yes.
That’s where everybody in this section starts. Tell you what—I’ve got a team of three who write contracts. You’re joining that team. Let’s go and meet your team. What do you say?
Ilene pushed back the chair and rose on the soft floor. Carolyn nodded and did the same. Ilene moved quickly and the door opened and came around over and past them and Carolyn once more followed Ilene thorough the blur of new colors sounds things and people whirling around, and they slowed, and stopped at a cubicle door. A white shirted males back sat in a chair, and atop the back a neck and head bowed down into a green glowing computer screen. Pictures and knickknacks littered the desk, and papers of all colors were hung up around with multicolored pushpins. Ilene rapped on the frame of the cube and a face swiveled around from the green glow and looked at Ilene and Carolyn and then the chair swiveled and he fully appeared in the blur of colorful things surrounding him, as Carolyn and Ilene spoke words that gave him substance.
Charlie, this is Carolyn Sanders. She’s joining the team writing contracts. Carolyn—Charlie Nussman—and at that signal a bony hand shot out and Charlie rose, his shock of black hair cold, against the white neon ceiling, and he shook hands with Carolyn firmly.
Good to meet you Carolyn, he said in an innocent voice. The colors of the items littering his desk and pinned to his walls brought an aura around him and Carolyn squinted and let go his hand. His arm dropped limply and bonily to his side and Ilene spoke.
Charlie, I’m going to have Carolyn sit with you for a few days and train.
No problem, said Charlie.
Okay—she’ll be back to see you later. Any questions for me? How’s it going?
It’s good, he said throatily.
Okay. See you later. Come on Carolyn—
And his white shirt and bones and arms and legs merged back into the litter and glow and clutter of his cube and he melted away as Ilene and Carolyn went on and this was a trip, to Carolyn—everything new, everything bright, and smiling; Ricky would be proud; Ricky would enjoy this, were he here. She couldn’t wait to tell him all about it; she could see his face light up now. But Carolyn came to herself again as they stopped at another cubicle, where Carolyn came face to face with her next teammate, Frieda Salmon, all dressed in green, her hair fat and flowing, and with Charlie’s aura; everyone here had an aura. What a magical place.
Welcome aboard, said Frieda Salmon, who Carolyn would always recognize from that point forward by the mole on her chin and her wide toothy mouth—and after that it all happened again and she met Dawn Harrison, the third team member, small and round faced and with a short cut blonde head, with too-long bangs, and no smile—her mouth just a line flapping open and shut to the thin thread of weak words come out of her; Good to meet you Carolyn, yes—Carolyn got good to meet you three times from three people not counting Ilene. Would there be a fourth, a fifth? Would there be an endless series of people to see and know and say hello to? But no, thought Carolyn, of course not—three were all there were, but as they stepped away from Dawn’s cubicle Ilene put her finger on her chin and spoke through squinting eyes.
You know Carolyn, before I take you to your office, let’s just walk down and see if my boss is in. It would be nice to introduce you. His name is Mr. Massingill. I’m sure he would also like to welcome you aboard. Let’s go see if his door is open. Then, how about a little lunch? You up to lunch? How about I treat you to lunch on your first day? That would be fun!
Uh—okay, sure, said Carolyn, and Ilene turned and faced the whorl of colors and movement and the blur of faces appearing disappearing and reappearing passing them under the seemingly lowering ceiling, as they went down yet another bustling aisle further and further and it all changed into the executive’s section. It was plants and brown paneling and gold lights on the walls; and it got harder and harder as they penetrated in further, like this was a place hard to get to, like this was a place hard to attain; and finally, just before the ceiling became too low and the aisle too narrow to pass through or under any further they came to a door beaming out sunlight. Stooping low as befitting their position, Ilene and Carolyn peered around the doorframe into the light. A figure sat behind a golden desk swathed in light and unrecognizable; a voice came from the figure; a voice deep, full, and masterly.
Ilene—what brings you here? Who is this with you?
With the words a face a form emerged of a long-faced man with curly brown short hair, a long nose, and red lips, wearing a dark business suit. The desk before him set slick shiny and bare. The golden light receded and flickered around the man, and Carolyn rubbed her eyes, she was sure all this brightness and shining was just her eyes. They squinted as they stepped fully into the doorway and Ilene spoke.
Mister Massingill. This is our new employee, Carolyn Sanders. It’s her first day. I’m bringing her around to meet people.
Massingill’s blue eyes twinkled and no one outside his skin could know how the form of Ilene excited him; how immediately, he felt her presence warm him, and shifted in his chair.
Good to meet you Carolyn, he said. Welcome aboard. And what will you be doing?
She’s joining the contracts team, said Ilene; and no one outside her skin could know how the words of Mister Massingill stirred something warm around the edges and hot in the center near her heart.
Glad to meet you too, sir, said Carolyn. Some form of tension layered the room; she thought of her Ativan in her glove compartment, but she had always cowed in the face of authority. That was it. Mister Massingill was authority.
Mister Massingill’s hand went to his lap and he caressed himself through his pinstriped slacks as he looked deep into the equally longing eyes of Ilene.
Well I am sure you will do well here at AD&D under the tutelage of Ilene.
The gold glimmered about the edges of the room and Massingill’s eyes told Ilene without words, I want you woman; I will have you as I have all the women under me.
Her eyes responded I want you, Mister Massingill. The heat within her glowed and her hand came to her breast. Carolyn stood wordless looking from one to the other, and then said I will do the best I can for the company, Mister Massingill.
I know you will, he said, eyes shifting back to her. The golden light came around him again and covered his face and beamed at the two women and this meant it was time for them to leave him alone, with his almost constant lust and desire; it was lust and desire through the years that had gotten him to this point, and he would move yet higher. But not before having this Ilene. It was only a matter of time.
Goodbye, said the light. Have a nice day.
They nodded and backed from the light and went back through the executive hallway which expanded as they went and it got easier and easier to walk until they were amidst the sea of cubicles and the greyness and the computer keys clacking and the white neons scattered across the ceiling melted the desire back into Ilene’s heart and absorbed all remains of the desire and her hand came down from her breast and they came to a cubicle door and she stopped and motioned Carolyn in, with a smile, and a sparkle, and an extended hand.
Your office, said Ilene. Welcome to your office.
It was a square grey cubicle with chest-high walls, a bare desk, and a computer with a dark screen. A phone set next, and then a large spiral bound book titled Welcome to AD&D—Building and Services guide.
Make yourself comfortable, said Ilene. Happy reading. I’ll be back at lunchtime. Bye Carolyn, she said as she melted out of sight. After she left the blue padded chair drew Carolyn into itself and the empty desk top took her hand and the walls grew gigantic all around, making dark shadows form about her. The shadows said you are now in your corporate skin, which you will wear for a very, very long time. Alone you will sit here for hours on end. The clatter of keyboards all around and telephones ringing and muted voices will comprise your world. But Carolyn was not yet ready for this wave of loneliness, no, not yet, so the phone pulled her hand onto it and the keys pulled her fingers punching in her home number as the phone came up to her ear. He was home. Ricky was always home; she held her thoughts as one would hold one’s breath until he came into the phone and she spoke softly and breathed for the first time, maybe for the first time since arriving at AD&D.
Ricky. Carolyn. I’m in my new office. I met my new boss. I met some workers. I’m on a team. I met the big boss. I’m on the twenty third floor.
She listened and the clatter of keys and the phones and the voices swarmed about as she listened and then answered.
Yes, Ricky. And I am going to lunch. With the boss. What should I talk about? What do you think? You always know what to say Ricky. You always know what to do.
She sat listening in the clatter of keys and the phones and the voices swarming about and she listened and answered and laughed and smiled and the phone was hot on her ear after an hour and a half and then the swarming din was cut down by a loud rap on her doorframe, and she turned to face Ilene standing smiling holding her alligator handbag.
Ready for lunch? Said Ilene. Or are you busy on the phone?
I—no, I’m done, said Carolyn, hanging up the phone and rising. I’m ready.
She had not said goodbye to Ricky but Ricky had just said Goodbye to her so she figured it was fine to hang up. Picking up her purse, she stepped toward Ilene who turned and took them down the aisle again toward the elevators; the reverse of before except many seemed to be going along with them toward the elevators and the blur of arms legs clothing hair footsteps and purses and handbags and suits all around her made her fix her eye straight at the center of Ilene’s back, so as not to lose her. Smells hung heavy in the air, twining and mixing, unnamable and unknown and they shot down in the elevator shoulder to shoulder with the multicolored people and Ilene pressed no button because somebody else pressed the G button, and they got there. The doors slid aside and they all swarmed out, each alone as she and Ilene were inside themselves, but nonetheless together; and the swarm of people reached the glittery bright lit stainless steel and glass and beige tiled cafeteria and each got in his or her respective line depending on what they wanted. Carolyn followed Ilene, got a salad just like hers, and paid the same amount of money as her, and they ended up sitting at a red topped Formica table at the edge of a huge room. The room had huge windows and hundreds of other tables with hundreds of other alone people with trays of various foods, under an unbelievably high ceiling that so badly frightened Carolyn as she thought of the carnage if it were to fall all broken; the falling loose shards of concrete and steel began raining down; but the fear was sucked out of her by what Ilene suddenly said as she intently forked into her salad, making the ceiling stay up in place.
So, what do you think of your first day at AD&D so far Carolyn?
It’s a big place, said Carolyn. Everything is so big. There are so many people.
Ilene chewed and nodded. After swallowing, she said There are, indeed.
As they began to eat they didn’t know that across the huge room Charlie Nussman, Frieda Salmon, and Dawn Harrison had taken a table together as they did every day at this time, and they took notice of Ilene and Carolyn eating and talking together far from them.
There it is, said Charlie, nodding toward them—the obligatory first day lunch with the boss. I got it, you got it, we got it—and then that’s it. When was the last time Ilene came to see you, Frieda?
Just this morning. She introduced the new person. I can’t remember her name what is her name—
Carolyn, said Dawn softly. I’m good with names.
I’m not, said Frieda.
No that’s not what I meant, said Charlie—outside of this morning, when was the last time Ilene spoke to you?
I don’t know. I guess I can’t remember.
How about you Dawn?
I don’t know. It’s been weeks at least.
Yeah, said Charlie, spooning up his beans. Been longer than that for me.
So, what’s your point Charlie? asked Frieda, her mouth half full.
None I suppose.
Dawn’s mouth was a line as always. With a limp hand, she played with her food. She had heard the others but it meant nothing. Just like the space arching above that meant nothing and led over and around and back to the table where Ilene and Carolyn sat in the same plastic chairs as the hundreds of others holding the lunch crowd. They covered the beige tiled floor and put more and more food in themselves to prepare for the afternoon, within which they will all be nodding off in their solitary boxes, waiting for four o’clock. And when everyone there was done with the food, they one by one picked up their trays and the trays disappeared into a magically moving niche in the wall and they got in the elevators, and groups repeatedly slid up again through the bowels of the building, thrusting up into it; and it ought to have pained the building; maybe it did. Ilene and Carolyn were in one of the groups and they slid up in the bright box in the dark shaft back to floor twenty three, and Ilene told Carolyn come, come with me, I will take you to Charlie’s cubicle where he will get you started learning the ropes; and as Carolyn followed Ilene’s swaying dark form she thought the ropes learning the ropes the ropes that would bind her in her cubicle to her computer; Ilene turned to the right into a bright room with tall grey cabinets. They stopped there and the ropes went away.
In here, said Ilene, opening a cabinet—here are our supplies. Here—here’s a yellow pad and a pen. You’ll need these while you sit with Charlie.
In a flash the door to the cabinet crashed grey shut away from Ilene’s hand and in the subsiding crash they walked to Charlie’s cubicle deep in the land of grey felt walls, and he turned to them.
Yes, Ilene? Hello—is it Carolyn?
Yes, said Carolyn.
Charlie, said Ilene as she pierced Charlie with her eyes and her words said through her hot eyes you will spend the rest of the afternoon showing Carolyn around the email system, and the files in the computer where we have the contracts, and—well, and whatever you think she needs to start to know. Remember you trained Dawn, do it like that, like you did Dawn. Okay?
Yes Ilene.
In ten minutes Ilene was gone and Carolyn and Charlie sat next to each other staring into the screen of the computer and Charlie punched keys and blinked screens and said words about the email system and the files in the computer where they kept the contracts and it all went through Carolyn like she was a transparent ghost sitting there, writing now and then in the pad, and he went on and on, and she nodded, and then, he paused abruptly, snagging her by the eye, and said so you got that so far Carolyn? It’ll take a while—but you should have an idea now.
His pale tall black shocked face expanded, threatening to engulf her, and she looked away; idea? Do I have an idea? Yes, she had many ideas; what would Ricky say now. The pencil twirled in her fingers and she tapped it on the desk edge and turned back to Charlie and smiled.
Hey Charlie, she said—I’m getting it—but you know what?
What? said his terrible face.
I bet you didn’t know, she said with a sparkle—I bet you didn’t know that there are more life forms living on your skin than there are people on the planet.
He gaped into her smile, his face turned all teeth.
Ah—no. I didn’t know that. How do you know that?
She pushed back in her chair and leaned casually on its arm.
My brother Ricky told me. My brother Ricky knows a lot. I bet you’d really like him.
For an instant the gaping Charlie was absorbed into Ricky and Ricky sat and mouthed silently the words good job Carolyn. Good job. She smiled back and out of Ricky came Charlie and Ricky dissolved and it hit her suddenly that she really liked this Charlie because he was laughing now at what she had told him, plus he had been Ricky a Moment. How could you not like, even possibly someday love, someone who had been Ricky a Moment?
Really? he said. More than on the whole planet?
Yes; she said yes, and they smiled at each other, and then turned back to the computer with her continuing to learn the ropes, winding around and around in Charlie’s words, and the magical flickering screen took them all the way through to quitting time. Carolyn’s first day on the job was done; Charlie helped her find her cubicle so she could put away the pad and pencil, her cubicle lost deep in this emptying grey maze of small neon lit boxes. The people flowed out and she shook Charlie’s hand; he showed her to the elevator; and the box shot down to the ground floor and she was in reverse from what she was this morning and it seemed the day went backward like a flash; and once having dodged all the cars pulling out, she got in hers and fingered the glove compartment, opened it, and decided to treat herself to that Ativan she had put there this morning, as her reward for getting through her first day. She drove from the lot and there was Ricky’s face and she drove straight for it and into it, anxious to tell it all about the day, and she shot past it and it reappeared and reappeared again until the interstate and connecting roads got her back home as they would every weekday after weekday. She pulled in; she went in the house, the door closed behind her, and god knew what was then said inside.
Alien Buddha Press 