(first chapter)
1: So I was on the porch at the beach in this wooden rocking chair watching the lightening slice apart the sky. Somewhere in the background I could hear the waves slapping on the surf and it was just… one of those moments you know? Life was electric. The universe vibrated in random and strange ways.
And for once it actually felt good. Not scary at all. Like the whole world was within reach.
I was thinking about how this summer I was gonna change a lot so that when I went back to school in the fall no one would recognize me and I would be really hot and have lots of friends. I was gonna be ultra-cool prep girl or whatever and wear really nice clothes and be asked out by every guy. Except I would get to say no cause I’d have this really gorgeous college boyfriend who I wouldn’t even have to see since he’d always be away at school. It was gonna be great.
Then my cousin showed up and I had to go downstairs and help bring all her stuff in which was such a pain. But when she saw me she was like wow Nicky you’ve changed which I guess I had cause I hadn’t seen her for like two years and now I’m fifteen so you can imagine. But anyway she had changed a lot too. She was seventeen and looked really good except she was dressed all alternative and I always thought that was for druggies or losers or whatever.
We unloaded her stuff and took it inside to the bedroom the two of us were sharing. At first I thought there was gonna be a big fight for the bed by the window but she was like no that’s ok you can have it and I was all thanks and then that was cool. I thought that was really nice of her. Maybe she has a phobia about sleeping next to the window.
Little by little the whole family arrived until we were all just sitting around getting reacquainted or whatever. Really the adults were getting drunk and the little ones were running around getting into trouble. My cousin and I weren’t doing anything. I guess we were already reacquainted. I was just sitting there practicing my mind over matter skills thinking disappear disappear disappear. It wasn’t working.
Then the adults started making dinner but it was gonna be a while so me and my cousin (whose name is Jennifer I think I forgot to tell you that) decided to go for a walk. We walked down to the beach and took our shoes off and ran and played in the waves slipping and sliding. I buried my feet to the ankles in the wet sand and then wiggled my toes against the weight. Jen laughed and yelled and stomped through the foam and I watched her and laughed with her and felt pure and alive and like life was beautiful for a change.
After a while of that we walked on down the sand to the pier but there was nothing going on there except some old men crabbing with chicken breasts on salt-stiffened ropes so we crossed the street and went in this little store where Jen bought me a drink.
The inside of the store was so cold after the heat of the pavement that I froze just inside the door and took shallow breaths. I couldn’t move. Jen stalked straight to the coolers in back and grabbed two sodas. I only came alive again when she handed me mine and steered me back outside.
When we walked out Jen plopped right down on the curb so I did too and we sat there drinking our drinks and talking and telling secrets and stuff. I don’t know what it was about here that made me want to open up and tell her things I never told anyone else. Unfortunately I didn’t really have anything to confess. I’d never really done anything.
What was I gonna say? Hey Jen I’m all alone in the world. I don’t fit in anywhere. Well that’s not totally true I kind of fit in but only cause I keep my mouth shut. As long as I’m quiet and cute everyone assumes I’m thinking whatever they want. But I’m not. I’m not thinking what they want. I’m never thinking what they want.
But I couldn’t say that.
So mostly I sat and listened to her talk about parties and fights and all kinds of great stuff. Then Jen took out a cigarette and just lit it up super casual and started smoking which totally surprised me cause she didn’t use to you know? I mean it didn’t really surprise me that she smoked. It surprised me that I didn’t know. Or whatever.
And ok she offered me a drag and at first I was all no I don’t smoke but then I sort of gave in except she wasn’t pressuring me or anything. So I took one and she showed me how to inhale so you don’t cough. But of course I coughed anyway which was kind of embarrassing but she said that was ok so we just sat there smoking and not saying much.
Which is one of the nice things about it. It’s something to do and hold in your hand and sort of mess with and it takes away all the pressure to talk or really do anything and makes you feel all calm and confident. Which is definitely something I need. I could see right away how people get hooked. Not in a physical way but just that it’s something you really like and don’t want to stop doing. How it becomes sort of a part of you. A little bit of who you are.
So we were sitting there and there were these kind of cute boys eyeing us from the doorway of the arcade next door. I was trying my best to flirt with them but I didn’t really know how so basically I stared at them and then whenever they made eye contact I panicked and looked away. It didn’t really work. It made me look psycho.
But I guess it didn’t look like that to them cause one caught my eye for a second and kind of nodded at me and then they all started to slowly walk over. Sort of sauntering and looking all around and acting like they didn’t have any particular destination. I knew that walk. I did it too but after watching them I swore I wouldn’t do it again.
It looked pathetic. Made me embarrassed for all of us. Except Jen. She was above it all.
So right at that moment when they were heading over Jen grabbed my arm and pulled me away. The guys stopped for a minute confused and then got a grip and changed directions and went in the store. I was all what did you do that for and she was all what do you mean? What did I mean? I told her I was talking about ditching those guys and she said what guys so I sort of nonchalantly pointed at them. She was like oh those guys and started laughing. I didn’t understand her at all.
We went back to the house and ate dinner and then went outside and sat on the porch in the rocking chairs. It was a nice night even though it was hot and the ocean smelled wonderful. Ripe with seaweed and life. There was a timid breeze playing with the back of my neck and I pulled up my hair so it could get at me better. It felt nice. Being touched always does. Sometimes I think that’s what life’s about. We’re all just stumbling around trying to be touched by something.
I could have gone to sleep right there. I told Jen what I was thinking about the ocean and falling asleep and all and she smiled. She said she could too. Her and me and the ocean forever. I just kind of nodded.
Our house is perfect for boy watching. It’s right on the main strip cause the beach we stay at is really small. My parents love it cause it’s nice and quiet but it’s also kind of boring and when you go on vacation who wants quiet? Not me. I want excitement. I want to see things I’ve never seen and do things I’ve never done. I want danger. I want fun.
Anyway our house is right on the single stretch of gravel road that everyone walks down so you can sit on the porch and check out all the cute guys. I moved from the rocking chair to the bench so I could keep watch without having to turn around and be obvious about it. Of course the guys from the arcade walked by. I was gonna say hi but Jen grabbed my arm and asked me not to. I was just like whatever.
I asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said no. So I was like don’t you want to pick up some guys? She said she wanted it to be just us at least until we had a chance to get to know each other again. She said when other people get involved especially guys then girls have a tendency to ignore each other. I shrugged. I mean I guess that’s understandable.
But the weird thing is we didn’t get to know each other any better at all. We didn’t talk or anything. We just sat there in silence. From far away I could hear the sounds of laughing and yelling and the waves. Always the waves. When you spend any time at the beach that sound becomes part of you. Part of the background. Rhythmic. Hypnotic.
So I guess we were enjoying each other’s company or whatever. After a while Jen went inside and made us both drinks. When she came back out she sat right behind me on the bench and stretched her legs around me. We stayed quiet for a while. Then Jen told me I had beautiful hair and I was all yeah right. So she was all no really and I was just like whatever. I mean beautiful hair? What is that? That’s the kind of thing someone says when you’re not pretty. That’s like a pity compliment. Screw that.
Then she touched my hair. She was really soft at first and sort of hesitant but when I didn’t move she got bolder and started to run her fingers through it and talk about how silky and smooth it was and how good it felt. Then she lifted my hair up and started to rub my neck. Not like a massage but softer. She asked me if I minded and I said no. It felt pretty good. She kept rubbing for a while like she wasn’t aware she was doing it. Then she stood up and kissed the back of my neck and went inside. I sat there enjoying the breeze.
I sat out there by myself for a long time in the sticky evening heat. I could hear the buzz if a hundred distinct conversations in the air around me overlapping and blurring until there was just one hum. Everyone was so happy today. First day of vacation. All around me were reunited families and the air was full of the charge of love built up over long absences. I knew from experience that by the end of the week the air would be full of arguments and the sharp metal screetch of slamming screen doors but for now it was love and the sweet smoke of charcoal grills and I tried to enjoy it while it lasted. I sat out there forever. I sat out there until the porch lights became living room lights and then bedroom lights and then were dark.
When I finally came inside and went into the bedroom Jen was already asleep so I undressed and climbed into bed without turning the lights on. She was breathing really quietly and I sort of watched her sleep for a while. Then I realized that I was staring at her so I turned over and looked out the window. For a long time I lay awake. I don’t know what it is about being at the beach that makes me want to sit around and look at stuff. Everything seems different there. Everything seems… majestic or symbolic or something. Seems to have hidden significance. Eventually I fell asleep.
The next morning Jen woke me up which was good cause I was having a nightmare. I don’t know what it was about cause I forgot it as soon as I woke up but it still freaked me out. It left the taste of fear in my mouth. You know how sometimes you can’t remember what you were dreaming but you can still feel it after you’re awake? Like you wake up feeling some really strong emotion for no apparent reason so you know it had to come from a dream. That’s what this was. It sucked.
But Jen woke me up. She rubbed my arm and whispered in my ear wake up Nicky. She had already had her shower and she smelled really good. She smelled like strawberries or something fruity. Like her shampoo I guess but better. It was a nice way to wake up. I lay there for a minute blinking at the light and shedding the last traces of the dream and then I remembered where I was and jumped up and ran into the hallway.
Breakfast was all layed out in the kitchen but I was way too excited to eat. This was my first day at the beach and I couldn’t wait to get in the water. I ran into the bathroom and threw on my new bathing suit then burst out of the door and ran to the beach with my mom behind me asking about breakfast and Jen on my heels telling me to wait up. Yeah right.
I ran down onto the hot sand and dropped my towel not pausing until I was far enough into the water to fall face first into a wave. I may be crazy but I actually like the way the salt burns your nose. It seems to fit the water that it be that strong. Seems right.
Anyway I rolled over onto my back and gleefully floated to the surface. I’m sure lots of poets and artists and all of that have said it before and said it much better than me but I have to agree. There is no place like the ocean. I am truly in my element here.
After I got over my initial joy at hitting the surf I casually paddled out until the water was about waist high. Jen followed me and snagged a hold of my ankle pulling me under. I caught a vicious lungful of water that burned like fire and came up coughing and sputtering. Jen laughed. Jen laughed a lot.
Then I splashed her with water and she splashed me back and back and forth and on and on until it dissolved into one of those playful wrestling matches with lots of dunking and laughing. Usually they go on in good fun for a while until eventually someone gets really mad. This time nobody got mad. We just laughed and splashed and fought through the waves. I felt fierce and free and happy. Like a warrior.
Jen asked me why I didn’t wait for her and I acted like I didn’t know what she was talking about. I told her I didn’t hear her and she seemed to believe me. I didn’t really care if she believed me or not. I’m not a total bitch. I just love the ocean that much.
I slid under the surface and drifted listening to the way the water slushed and rippled past my ears. That’s always been my favorite sound in the world. It’s all echoey and submarine sounding. Supposedly we love it because it reminds us of the womb. Wombs seem gross to me. I prefer the sea.
When I came up Jen smiled at me and asked if I’d always loved the beach like this. When I told her that I had and that I secretly thought I was a fish in another life she laughed. Then she turned ultra serious. She pushed a strand of wet bang out of my eyes and said that’s nice Nicky. She said it just like that too.
We swam around for a while and then ran up on to the sand to join our family. They were spread out all over the beach like the ultimate redneck family reunion from hell. I swear it was like the Manson family Christmas in glaring Technicolor detail. On the left you had my aunts and uncles all laying on their towels complete with tacky beach umbrellas and large plastic coolers full of beer. On the right you had my little cousins running around causing trouble for everyone on the beach except for my family who were of course expertly ignoring them. Excruciatingly embarrassing.
I went off by myself in the sand a little ways and built a castle. Or seemed to. Actually I just sort of rolled around in the sand and scrunched my toes in it and let it tickle me. I glanced up a couple of times to find Jen watching me with a serious concentrating look on her face. When we made eye contact she smiled and glanced away. Not quick like she was embarrassed but slow and casual.
After the third time this happened she came over. Something about her standing over me with me laying on my back under her kind of freaked me out. She looked dangerous. It reminded me of something but I didn’t know what.
Anyway she asked me if I wanted to go swimming again and I said yes so we did. Actually it wasn’t that simple. I thought about it for a minute before I said yes and then we raced down to the breakers and jumped through. Jen took my hand in hers and led me out to the deeper water where we sort of floated and talked for a while.
About nothing. And everything. At the same time. We didn’t discuss anything terrible significant but everything that we did discuss had this huge undercurrent of meaning. Like we both knew we were talking about something else although neither of us knew or was willing to admit what that something was.
It was a good time. I loved the feel of the sun shining on my face and my shoulders and my arms. It was exquisite. The sun was warm and the water was cool and it was probably one of the best times of my life. Or something like that.
Anyway we swam around for a while and then went back up on the sand. It was around twelve and I was starting to feel hunger pains. The rest of the family had already gone up to the house for lunch so we picked up our towels and went up the path to join them trying to hop through across the hot sand without impaling our feet on burrs.
Jen and I used the downstairs outdoor shower to wash the sand from the bottoms of our feet. When I went inside my granddad started yelling at me for tracking water in the house and chased me back out the door. It wasn’t even his house. God he was infuriating.
Jen shrugged at me. We sat on the porch to dry off and started talking. She told me about her life and what it’s like where she lives and I told her a little about my life mostly about Brian and stuff. She said yeah boys are jerks and I kind of agreed with her even though with Brian it was really me who was the jerk. He was only ever nice to me you know? It’s not his fault that it got on my nerves and made me all uncomfortable and awkward. It’s not his fault I’m so screwed up.
Once we were dry we went inside. I plopped down on the couch and started watching tv. Jen went in the kitchen and made us sandwiches. Turkey for her and PB and J for me. When I told Jen it was good she was all of course. Of course my ass. I called her stuck up and she gave me this look like who me. I rolled my eyes at her.
After we ate we went back outside and down to the beach but this time it didn’t seem as fun. It was painfully hot by then and I couldn’t get my mind off it. I couldn’t have any fun while I was all sweating and panting like a dog.
My family was driving me crazy too. They were so loud. Even in a sea of families you couldn’t miss them. They took over. From ten feet away their conversations still crept into your own.
I was pretty bored but I couldn’t think of anything better to do than stare off into space. I guess Jen was bored too cause she came over and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I have never been one of those people who are all about the whole walking thing. You know how some people are totally fitness conscious and walk around really fast and athletically and seem to be having this really fantastic time? Well I am so not one of those people. I prefer just sitting somewhere staring off into space. Like I guess most people would probably say I’m a deep person except I’m usually not thinking about anything special. I just look like I am.
But still I was bored and my family was making me suicidal again so I said what the hell and went with her. We walked for a while and when we were out of sight of our family Jen lit us both cigarettes. Even though she was still wearing her bikini and didn’t have any cigarettes in her hand when we walked off. So I sort of wondered where she had the pack stashed but I didn’t ask. Just wondering put a wobble in my stomach like there was a big bubble growing inside.
We walked for a while and then Jen asked me if she could hold my hand and I said sure. I guess that probably sounds weird but what can I say? That’s what happened and I am trying to basically report the truth here. Besides I probably did have a crush on her or whatever. Not so much like a sexual thing but just that I thought she was really cool and I wanted to be close to her. So what. I don’t care. Do you?
I mean ok I could tell you here that Jen isn’t really my cousin and I wouldn’t be lying cause she was adopted. But even though that’s true technically I don’t want to use it as some kind of excuse. Because I wasn’t thinking about that. I wasn’t really thinking about anything.
Anyway we walked and talked and I kind of forgot how hot I was for a while and then when I remembered we sat in the shade of an old man’s umbrella and talked some more and then we decided we should probably head back. Have you ever noticed how when you walk somewhere it doesn’t take that long but when you walk back it takes forever? I hate that.
When we finally got back our family was still up to the same old horrible stuff so we headed out into the water. There was this cute guy who was with two younger guys probably his brothers or cousins or whatever and they were playing Marco Polo. Marco Polo. Remember that game you used to play in the pool in like second grade? Yeah that one. They were playing it. In the ocean! And all these people started joining in until there was this huge game going on. Of Marco Polo. In the ocean.
But ok it looked sort of fun so I joined in and when I did Jen did too. And ok yeah once I started playing it actually was fun especially when I was it. You can’t imagine how cool it is chasing people around the ocean with your eyes closed. You’re never quite sure which way leads back to shore and which leads out to the deep.
And you’ll be standing there hearing a wave coming and not knowing when it’s gonna hit. And it keeps getting closer and closer and closer and you keep kinds bracing yourself for impact but it never hits until all of a sudden out of nowhere it does. And you go under and turn and flip and just go with it. You can’t fight it or try to control it. You have to surrender to it. Let it take you where it wants to. That’s the only way out.
We played for like hours until it stopped seeming fun and started seeming sort of stupid again so we got out. But after we did there was nothing to do. The rest of the family still spread across the beach in redneck bonding mode so there was no help there. We headed back to the house.
The house was empty and locked and stupid us we realized we didn’t have a key or anyway in. The sand and salt water that had once felt so good was now itching in all of the worst possible places so I decided to take a shower downstairs. I usually hate to do that cause it’s sorta grimy and even though there is a door it still feels really exposed and not private. Somehow just the fact that people can see your feet under the high hanging door makes me super conscious of being naked. But it was still better than no shower at all so I went for it.
Jen said she’d join me and I was like ok whatever. I went into the stall and slid off my one piece bathing suit and hung it on the nail in the door. Jen did the same with her sleek little black bikini. It was the kind of bathing suit I wished I could wear but I could never pull off with my body. No hips no tits no ass. That was me.
The minute I saw Jen naked I was reminded of that. She was beautiful and full. Like a woman. Not like me. I cast my eyes down and turned on the water then bit back a scream when it hit me. Why are outside showers always so cold? At least at first. Gradually it warmed up until it felt good.
Jen asked me if she could wash my back and I was all I guess so. She took the bar of soap and lathered up her hands and then started massaging my back and neck again. This time it didn’t feel good. It felt wonderful. I was warm and tingly all over and I began to unconsciously run my fingers over the soft skin on the insides of my elbows. Jen leaned her mouth close until I could feel her breath tickling my ear. She whispered I love you Nicky in a whisp of hot air. It sounded like a confession.
But still I said I loved her too anyway even though I knew that wasn’t what she meant. Then she said it. No that’s not what I mean. You’ll never know what I mean. But I did know and I didn’t care. Didn’t care about anything except how good she felt and how good she smelled.
Her hands were roaming farther on my body. Sliding and rubbing. She slid them over my shoulders and down my arms and then across my stomach and up to my breasts. I stiffened when she touched me there. Not cause her hands bothered me. I was embarrassed by what I had. Or didn’t.
I really had nothing there. Small cones of flesh one shade lighter than the rest of my body. My nipples quickly grew hard and then stood straight out which only served to highlight how small my breasts were. I knew I had nothing there and I knew she knew it too. So why did she act like she liked it?
Anyway she was stroking and caressing them and I swear it felt incredible. She started kissing my neck and one of her hands drifted down across my stomach and then lower and then lower again until it was between my legs. Cupping me there.
I mumbled something but I’m not really sure what it was. Some kind of question because then she was answering me. I just want to show you how much I love you. A bleary whisper. A moment of fear bolted though me and then she kissed me full on the mouth. Her fingers slid effortlessly over my skin and then they went in. Inside me. It was that easy and natural. I gasped into her mouth.
She was pressing her body into me from behind and sort of rubbing it up and down my back. One of us started to moan. I couldn’t tell who it was but then it didn’t matter because we were both moaning. I threw my hands against the wall of the shower for support and then she leaned her weight against me even harder pressing my face into the smooth wood.
Things got more energetic and I felt dizzy. I couldn’t keep track of what was happening. She was kissing on me and trying to talk to me and I was moving and moaning and the wall was hard against my cheek and everything was so warm my head was spinning and I thought I might pass out and then something died inside of me and I cried out sharply in surprise and fear and pleasure then she stopped and suddenly I was back into my body back into the stall panting out short sharp breaths into the thick summer air.
After that we stood there for a minute and then we finished our shower. It was awkward. Jen seemed nervous like she was ashamed of what we’d done or afraid I’d be mad at her or something and I wanted to reassure her. I wanted to tell her everything was ok but somehow I couldn’t. Somehow I just couldn’t find the words to say.
Jamison Spencer was born in Richmond, Virginia, and grew up in Concord, North Carolina. He now lives and teaches in Chicago, Illinois with his beloved daughter Colette. He is a member of the Rainy Day Collective and the songwriter for the band the Carson Mcullers. He has served time in other bands as a drummer, bassist, and keyboard player, even though he doesn’t really play any of those instruments.
Alien Buddha Press 